Grateful to be here.

I had an interesting experience today.  A friend from another website was sharing a story about a young man who came from a very broken family (father who committed suicide, mountains of other troubles) who  ended his own life.  I was awash in a flood of emotion as this story reminded me of my own dark days, when I too was so full of anguish at my own existence that I wished for a way out and often found myself at the brink of self harm.  The process of coming back from such despair was a long slow lesson in self care;  a long path to the realization that despite a very strong support system, nobody but myself and the great vast mysterious energy that moves life forward is going to care of me and nurture me in the precise way that is necessary for me.

And today, reading this story, feeling those feelings, I suddenly became aware of a gratitude that I had never really acknowledged before.  I am grateful to be here.  After so many years of wishing I weren't, of wanting a way out, I am glad to be me.  In the hustle of everyday life I often don't take the time to step to the side and look back.  Today's story had me do just that, and realize that there I was all along, taking care of me.  And these days I do it with awareness and intention, rather than just getting by while frantically looking for someone else to do it for me, or for a way to escape.

So today I say thank you to me, for coming around, for paying attention.  I say thank you for all of the wonderful people that have been placed in my life who have helped me to see.  And I give thanks that the road that has been paved for me has had so many curves and steep hills and that it is still stretching out to the horizon, as far as I can tell.