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I finally grocked this abstract concept about fear that I've been rolling around in my head; that I've "known" in my head for a long time.  I now feel it more in my heart.

The realization took a quick swipe at my uncertainty and I can feel its lasting effects as I get little inspirations and tricklings of ideas to help form my foundation and further writing material.

Thank you!!!

Last night I gave away a bag of women's clothes and bag of little boy's clothes, plus a toy tractor that my son picked out of his box, to a family who's house burned.

CJ

If you asked someone who knew me, "Has CJ changed something about herself?", most anyone would say, "Yeah, she lost a bunch of weight.".

One or two people very close to me would say, "Yeah, she lost a lot of weight and she's much more free and happy than she used to be."

Both sets of people would be correct.  I did lose a bunch of weight; a little more than a 100 pounds.  So which came first, smaller butt or bigger happy?  It all happened at the same time.  I couldn't start having success at weight loss until I became more happy with myself, and I became more happy with everything as I realized I was having success with weight loss. 

It all started with shifting perspective.  
Discard the: 
"Why do I have to be so fat?"
"Why can so and so eat whatever they want and stay thin?"
"I'm always going to be fat."
"I'm so stupid, why did I eat that?". 
Insert some:
"Today I am going to eat food that is good for me and makes me feel good." 
"Today I exercised, just like I said I would." 
"This week I ate on plan 6 out of 7 days."

A plan of action followed by...actual action...built faith in myself.  I remember in the early days of losing weight that sometimes I would just be taken aback, surprised that I was actually doing it.  It seemed so unbelievable after 20+ years of being obese that I was actually making a consistent change. 

This didn't happen overnight, it took about two years to lose the weight.  I've maintained the loss for a year and a half or so.  I actually think I could lose a little more, but that is a different challenge at this stage of the game. 

Regardless, I'm a different person.  Literally, people who knew me before don't recognize me on the street.  Sometimes when I notice how differently I look at the world, I'm not sure I recognize myself.  I believe in myself and don't always assume failure is right around the corner.  That's a big change.

Surprisingly enough, it often ends up being cooking.  I didn't notice the pattern until recent years.  I have a passion for cooking.  I love when I have the opportunity to share it with others. 

Today, my five year old watched as our friend's 3 y/o daughter became upset when told it was time to leave our house.

He came to me urgently requesting a snack bag so he could put some of his jellybeans in it.  He gave it to her, telling us "I just wanted to cheer her up so she could enjoy leaving."

Empathy is lovely, isn't it?

CJ

I met my sweetheart, well, in high school.  High school sweethearts.  Our fifteen year old daugther was just lamenting not ever having had a boyfriend.  Mike and I were extolling the virtue of quality over quantity.  Reminded her that her dad hadn't dated anybody until we met when he was in 11th grade, and I had only dated a couple people.  She says, "Yeah, but nobody DOES that anymore."

Some may say that there is little chance that high school romances will endure.  It appears for us it is working.  I can't imagine that it won't stick for the long haul, given all that we have already had to test us.  We will be married 20 years next June.

My husband.

He has believed in me no matter how dark my days got.  He helped me see that life is beautiful and worth living.  He has made me the healthy and growing person I am today not by pushing and prodding;  not by saying much of anything.

He did this by being here.  Staying here when times got tough.  By never, yes I really mean never, berating me for being who I am.  He has done this by quietly having constant faith that everything will be fine, and reminding me of that when I was severely unsure that it was true.

Thank you to him.

I hope to be just like him when I grow up.

The perfect gift to myself, that I could give myself by my next birthday....

To be at my goal weight.  I have been losing weight for 2 years.  I have lost 100 lbs.  It has been a journey of spiritual growth and personal commitment.  I have around 30-40 lbs left.  My birthday is at the end of the year.  This is do-able.  What a perfect gift, to be healthy and light and full of vigor.

CJ

Horses and helping people.

Reference previous blog; my dream is to create a place for people to come to renew, learn about themselves, move towards what life is asking of them.

My hope is that horses are incorporated into this program.  They are magical and have so much to teach us about ourselves.

Namaste
CJ